Forelorn

I finish school very quickly these days. Makes me feel not as bad about starting really late in the mornings. :)

I was thinking last night and talking with Lily about my writing. Writing used to be my lifeblood. I would wake up in the middle of the night and grab a notebook, writing in the dark if I had to, just to get a great idea down on paper. I would transfer whatever was jumbling my feelings into something coherent on paper. Writing was like therapy for me, I guess. But now...it feels like an estranged friend. Someone that you miss because you haven't seen them in forever. Then one day you call them up and say, "Hey, let's get together." But when you sit down with them at the coffee shop, you just keep thinking to yourself, I do not know this person. What happened to our friendship? Is it even possible to bring it back? This is how I feel about my writing. Like I lost my connection to it. Was I lying to myself back when I thought I had potential? Or did I waste it all, and now it's gone forever?

This has come to my mind as lately I have been having different conflicting thoughts. I want to work it all out and be able to look at it objectively in writing. Or maybe, if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I just want to romanticize it away and make my own confusion sound noble in a poem. But then there's the conflict. I am trying--well, maybe this branches into territory that would be better kept to myself. Like I said previously, I'm going to dam up the river of complaints to you guys. Sound good to you? It does to me. Kind of.

Do you like Skillet? They are an amazing band. Christian band too! It's sort of rare that I find a Christian band that has talent...not saying that to disparage worship songs, of course! It's just that, in the words of one singer, "Whatever the secular guys were making yesterday, that's what the Christians are making today." It's sadly true. It all sound the same. All sounds like cool-guy posers who want to reconcile their Christian audience to a mainstream audience. That's why I like it when I find a genuinely God-fearing group that just MAKES MUSIC. They just let their love of Christ flow into a beautiful outlet called rock music. Here's one of their songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1Vo7NOpKoE

The more I think about it, the more I really want to learn to ice skate. Just the gliding along is a great feeling...imagine what it must be like to own the ice with your skates! The combination of speed, grace, and working your butt off is amazing.

I Hope I Challenge Me

Today I went to a meeting at the library. It was really weird. Out of about fifteen people, I was the only person there under the age of 20. I met some nice people, and learned a lot about how the library works and where it is going, but I was by far the dumbest person there. I did contribute a little, though. My discussion group was on "Diversity" (yes, I volunteered for that group, don't kill me) and I did help somewhat with brainstorming how to integrate that into the county's library system. The biggest thing I got from this meeting was how much the staff loves the library as much as the patrons. They truly are happy to be working there and enthusiastic about making it a better place. I did get a little choked up when I realized that that could be me...and I'm not taking it. I know that God's plan is the right plan, and that's what I really want, but I've never felt so inspired to WORK HARD as the times when I see what librarians can do and get to do. I feel a little like I'm missing out. But not enough to pursue that when I know I won't have time for a career and still be dedicated to my future family. Not a lot of careerist homeschool moms out there.

My birthday is coming up. I think I'm going to just have us go bowling; does that sound okay to you? This will be my last birthday party, in fact I feel too old for it now. But I might as well have one for my eighteenth and then be done with that. :)

Tomorrow is dinner at the Parks house. A few months ago, this would've brought a huge smile to my face and lots of ideas of what Michelle and I can do while I'm there to have crazy fun and maybe finagle a sleepover afterwards. ^^ But now it's different somehow...I don't know that either of us have changed all that much, but--well I take that back. One of us or both must've changed somehow for me to feel like our friendship is different. Maybe it's a part of growing up; Michelle is still very much a teenager and living life in the moment. I do that too, but I think that parts of me are starting to become the person I will be for my whole life. In a week I'll be legally an adult. Isn't it time I start thinking like one?

I got The Two Towers soundtrack from the library today. It's immense. The quality of the disk is crap, though (of course it is, it's from the public library), so it's hard to get into the more emotional parts when you have a "tch tch tch" going in the background constantly. -_- Speaking of Middle-Earth, I started The Silmarillion today. It's from the First Age, which is thousands of years before the Third Age, in which the Lord of the Rings takes place. So far it's interesting; I think I just love having a book to hold and call my own.

The other day, when I went to my bookshelf to get it (Silmarillion), I saw in front of my books someone had put a picture frame. Not really a big thing, it was probably in the way somewhere and got stashed the first place seen. But in the picture frame was a photo of Noah. Even after three months of being resigned to having lost these friends of mine, it broke open anew. I wept for Noah, I wept for Melinda. When will I be able to get past this, if even now it draws tears? I can sort of see how people get loathe to make new friendships or become close to someone, when having them ripped away from you is one of the most painful experiences I can even think of.

I can see my bedroom floor. That is a big deal if you know my room. o.O

...maybe?

It's a new year. Can't say a new me for sure. I think it's time I started blogging again. Life has changed in many ways, even since the last post here in September. I have to confess that it's not really good ways, for the most part. But that is neither here nor there; what matters is that I am still alive and ready to talk your ears off again, if you're ready to listen. Sorry for my choppy writing style; I have a bandage/cast thing on my finger that makes typing really slow and difficult. :P

Oh, and thank you to the "Anonymous" of my last post who encouraged me to start blogging again. I'm happy to see that there's at least one person who is checking up on me. :)

Okay, then another post. My last post is rather jammed with comments. I'll finish that conversation (for the moment) with this: you guys both know him, but unless you think outside the box you won't get it. 8)

I finished school super early today. Like, before 1:00! At first I was like, "Wow, this is nice, more time to just do stuff." Then my mom kicked me off the computer, my writing skills jumped out the window, and so here I am again back on the comp. Waiting to leave for the LIBRARY! I love that place. Makes me smarter.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for an MRI on my finger. Never had one of those before, (the MRI, not the finger) so that should be interesting. The only thing I know so far is that I'm not allowed to wear any metal. Aw, durn, gotta take out all my facial piercings. jk don't got none of those.

Later, same day, I'm going to the Teen Library Council meeting. Dad's convinced it's going to be an Obama indoctrination hour, but I think it looks pretty harmless. Basically just planning stuff like a reading week or a field trip. I will probably be the oldest kid there, but I hope it's not going to be just junior high kids...and one senior. XP

Oh guess what!!!!!! I got an email back about volunteering at the library fo shiz! I have a meeting on Monday morning to figger out a schedule of volunteer hours for me. I'm really REALLY happy about this. If anybody's got to get some books for something or other, make sure you come talk to me! I can wait to put books in shelves, help people find stuff, and "sh!" all the obnoxious children. hehehe not even kidding.

Today in writing class I was supposed to write the best compliment someone has ever given me. I finally settled on something Bama said a year or so ago, but it was rather disconcerting how long I had to think before I remembered someone saying something nice about me. No worries, though, I'll be a great, mature person in the future to make up for it. Or as close as someone like me can get....

*eep* I think I just smeared eyeliner all over my nose. Durnit.

My Goals for the next Decade.

Okay, here they are:

1 year:
have my driver's permit.
be an expert on something.
be nice to Lily.
get in shape.
be a good cook.

5 years:
work with books.
have a driver's license.
go on a road trip.
be a bridesmaid.

10 years:
married with kids.
maybe doing some writing.
have something published.
have an active ministry in my church.