Okay. My mind is both full and empty. I have so much to say, but nothing to write. Does that make sense? I have asked that question often for the past day or so, both to others--or other singular, if you want to be technical--and myself. The answer is usually "..............kinda." And that is what I answer myself as well. A little post on the internet isn't really the best place to start it all up again.

Mom and Dad are having coffee with the Jones family. Lily is reading Inkdeath. The whole house is dark. Well, except for that light in the kitchen. Maybe I should do something. I guess I'll go pick out my clothes for tomorrow? Booooring but I have to do it some time anyways.

Trapezii. I feelz dem.

I haven't been on a computer in two days, and I didn't miss it at all! Yesterday morning we went over to the Sires/Naish house and did some moooooving! I actually really enjoyed it, my muscles are pretty sore (in the good way). After a beautiful day, we left mid-afternoon to get me to the library. I shelved for two hours , then went back to Jeff's house for some more moving! Then I went to Meymey's house for a sleepover. Well, actually we went to the Potts house till like 1:30 or so. Elder Dave helped Mike with their bathroom while we sat around (except for the bathroom run/Doritos coveting trip to Fred Meyer).

Next day, we started out at Permapost wheeeee. Not all that exciting, but I learned that dancing with a vacuum can be rather fun when one puts in their earphones. :P We then went over to Jeff's again, which is pretty much where we spent the rest of the day. Megan, Janelle, and I packed up the kitchen; Jordan and Bill washed out the nasty fridge; Drew and Jeff put up sheet rock.

All this sounds not all that great, but I really had a great time. I mean, come on: I spent like a day and a half with some of my best friends, just a really good feeling. Of course, there was the whole episode tonight...ugh. I suppose if I get into it again, I'll just get me and certain readers of this frustrated all over again. But let me clarify that any anger I felt (or still feel, actually) is tempered by the fact that I still love them and always will. I hope you feel the same...?

I wrote today. I did! It's a four-stanza poem, and it's been in my back pocket since this afternoon. It's not half bad...okay, yes it is half-bad. But I think it's half-good too. Maybe just because it's something, but I feel better about my "ability" to write now that I have something down on paper. Maybe someday I'll start putting my real writing on this blog; it's all stashed away somewhere.

Forelorn

I finish school very quickly these days. Makes me feel not as bad about starting really late in the mornings. :)

I was thinking last night and talking with Lily about my writing. Writing used to be my lifeblood. I would wake up in the middle of the night and grab a notebook, writing in the dark if I had to, just to get a great idea down on paper. I would transfer whatever was jumbling my feelings into something coherent on paper. Writing was like therapy for me, I guess. But now...it feels like an estranged friend. Someone that you miss because you haven't seen them in forever. Then one day you call them up and say, "Hey, let's get together." But when you sit down with them at the coffee shop, you just keep thinking to yourself, I do not know this person. What happened to our friendship? Is it even possible to bring it back? This is how I feel about my writing. Like I lost my connection to it. Was I lying to myself back when I thought I had potential? Or did I waste it all, and now it's gone forever?

This has come to my mind as lately I have been having different conflicting thoughts. I want to work it all out and be able to look at it objectively in writing. Or maybe, if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I just want to romanticize it away and make my own confusion sound noble in a poem. But then there's the conflict. I am trying--well, maybe this branches into territory that would be better kept to myself. Like I said previously, I'm going to dam up the river of complaints to you guys. Sound good to you? It does to me. Kind of.

Do you like Skillet? They are an amazing band. Christian band too! It's sort of rare that I find a Christian band that has talent...not saying that to disparage worship songs, of course! It's just that, in the words of one singer, "Whatever the secular guys were making yesterday, that's what the Christians are making today." It's sadly true. It all sound the same. All sounds like cool-guy posers who want to reconcile their Christian audience to a mainstream audience. That's why I like it when I find a genuinely God-fearing group that just MAKES MUSIC. They just let their love of Christ flow into a beautiful outlet called rock music. Here's one of their songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1Vo7NOpKoE

The more I think about it, the more I really want to learn to ice skate. Just the gliding along is a great feeling...imagine what it must be like to own the ice with your skates! The combination of speed, grace, and working your butt off is amazing.

Lily likes Sour Sixteen

Today was Valentine's Day. But more importantly, it was Lily's birthday party! We went to the ice rink, which was surprisingly un-packed. I am not by any means good at ice skating, but I still had fun. And I didn't fall down, so that's something! Afterwards we went to Megan's house for some ice cream and Bill's presents. The Loynes family and I all pitched in and got Lily a very nice airsoft gun, which she definitely liked. Perfect timing too: Loyneses are having an airsoft war pretty soon. Even if I have to borrow one, I am going to be there. Airsoft is amazingly fun, even for someone with no shooting skills like me. So now Lily is 16, and I'm 18. Is anyone else seriously freaked out by that fact?

This makes my fourth post in a row that is ridiculously short. I'll get back into normal posting soon.

Sorry guys...

I'm sure it was pretty irritating for me to dump a bunch of WAAAmbulance on you the other day. It was mostly for my own benefit, but I'll try to be more reserved in the future. :(

In Which Emily Continues to Be a Huge Pain to Everyone, Including Herself.

I swear, I want to take it all back.

In the five conscious hours since hanging up, it already has been killing me.

I think it might be too late, though.

What have I done?

O.O

I've rehearsed a billion times.
Thought it through backwards and frontwards.
Prayed hard.
Convinced my own mind.
Let the hurt come, in hopes that it might burn away my confusion.

Yet I still say nothing....

"It's my-ee aighteenth birthday-ee tuhday-ee!"

Although I hate that character (and was sort of glad when she died...I'm a spiteful creature!), I've been saying that line all day and will continue to chant it till tomorrow! :D

Which means that today is my eighteenth birthday! Daddy took me out to breakfast eeearrly (I got up at 5:15 and we got to the restaurant at 6:00), where we had a very nice talk. He gave me a gift card to Barnes & Noble, which OF COURSE I was very excited about! It was Cindy's day off, though, so I didn't get free fruit or anything. :( When I got home, Mom gave me some num-nums and tasty juice! Grandma gave me a sweater that is pretty much the softest thing ever. I love my family so very very much (this is not because they give me stuff on my birthday).

I complained, both to others and myself, yesterday about how I really thin that eighteen is too old for me. Not that I am not ready to face up to life (okay, well maybe I'm not, but I'm getting there), but I really ought to be considered as an adult now. Yet, I know I will not be unless I act and think like one. Do I want to? I believe that I do. It's just a slightly difficult transition for me.

I have library work today, and Megan's picking me up afterwards. We, along with Mishmash and Danna, are going to have a really weird slumber party that I am quite positive will result in extreme sleepiness the next day at Courtney's concert. 240 milligrams of caffeine is something that I am quite interested to learn the effects of.

Speaking of concerts, did I tell you guys yet about that concert coming up? On March 22, Jeremy Camp, MercyMe, Hawk Nelson, and Tenth Avenue North are coming here. Best part is, there's no advance purchases of tickets. Just show up at the door and give them $10! I really want to go, and I think that if we get together a big enough group, it could happen...yes it's on a Wednesday, but I never ever miss Wednesday nights. I think that I can be absent just once.

Danna told me on Wednesday that I am very open on my blog. Funny, I always thought that I was rather reserved to what I'm really feeling...I think that certain blogs, which write mostly in secretive allegories, can be more enlightening into the inner thoughts than mine. This is because if you know what you're looking for, it's not that hard to decipher what someone really means by supposed random type.

I met Coralynn yesterday! I have to admit, all the crazy cooing that Michelle and Marinda have been doing over that kid is not over-the-top at all. She's so adorable! Her eyes are enormous, and she's super chubby. Chubby babies are fun to poke. I was quite entertained yesterday by staring her down intensely; I think I either intrigued or disturbed her. Or even better, both! >:)

Which is worse: to be absolutely sure of something, but change your mind several times, or to admit that you really don't know for sure what you think yet--and keep people in the dark as to what you really feel?

My hair is getting really long. Meh, I'm too lazy to go get it cut hehe.

The past few days have not been stellar. Well, there have been bright spots, but overall I feel like there hasn't been too much yay going on.

I spent my Saturday lounging about and doing a small amount of shopping until 5:30, when we had dinner with the Parks. That was nice, until Jordan and Michelle got into drilling me with questions and giving "advice." The advice they gave soon turned into code talk between them about something or other that has to do with me, but I can't know about it. Ugh. I spent the next 24 hours trying to understand what they were hinting about, to no avail. I'm not even going to think about it anymore.

Megan ditched the first couple hours of Potts Night for a Superbowl party, but I can't hold that against her. We held our own quite well without her there, as a matter of fact; Jeff's debate topic really got me thinking. It's rather shocking to myself when I realize that something I thought I had analyzed thoroughly turns out to be (most likely) a preconceived idea that really doesn't have a lot of solid, Biblical basis. I'm not sure if the discussion is put off for a further time or if I need to wave the white flag right now...we shall see.

Today was a jumble of Emily being a brat, Mom being a whiner, and Lily being incomprehensible. That makes a very nasty tasting stew! Oh well, we're not arguing now, so that's something.

This Friday, Megsie is hopefully going to spend the night here, but the next day is still hazy. I was planning on having a bowling party, then going to my house for pizza and stuff...but I really don't know. Courtney has a concert that day, and I really want to be there to vote for her and stuff. That is at one o'clock, and I don't know how long it goes to. There's a bowling alley really close to that, but I checked the prices (it would be cosmic bowling at that time), and it costs quite a lot. Ridiculous really. -_-

When I get a thought in my head, saying "Why can't they just leave me alone?" Is that wrong?